drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
