no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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