"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
