I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
