My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
