The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
