$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
