Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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