Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
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