My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
