lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
