there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize