im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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