Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
