He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
the day after is always just damage control
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
