Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
