If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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