Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
