A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
