So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
