Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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