We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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