I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
