Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
