i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
