She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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