Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
