i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize