I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
