I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize