I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
