I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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