hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
