my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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