someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize