i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
