I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
