I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
