Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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