yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
