So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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