in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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