Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
