But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
