This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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