I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
