You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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