I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
