He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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