spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
