You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How many fucks given?
0.12846
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