Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
