Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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