Don't make out with my wife yet
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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