Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she told me i tasted like america
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I need a beard to bite.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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